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Breaking Through Denial

Looking in the mirror and accepting what we see can be one of the hardest things we ever do. It's especially hard when the image staring us in the face is painful or doesn't fit with how we want to see ourselves. Sometimes, the truth is so painful that we avoid it at any cost.

Refusing to accept a painful reality is a psychological defense called denial. We use denial to protect ourselves from knowledge, insight or awareness that threatens our self-esteem.

Denial is the tendency of alcoholics or addicts to either distort realities associated with their drinking or drug use in spite of evidence that shows the behaviors are harmful or detrimental to a person’s mental, physical and social well being.

Most alcoholics, addicts and people in general, when confronted with problems are at different stages of readiness to change. The first stage is pre-contemplation, where they are not even thinking about it. The contemplation stage is where someone starts to question whether or not they need to change some behavior or beliefs. The next stage is preparation or determination where a person starts to look at what alternatives are available to them. Next is the action stage, where a person starts to implement changes. And then there is the maintenance stage, where a person works at maintaining the new behaviors, such as not using alcohol or drugs. Determining readiness to change is important.

"I could quit anytime I wanted to." "I'd quit using if people would quit ragging on me." "If you were in my situation, you'd drink, too." These are typical statements of someone in the pre-contemplation stage or denial. These statements are baffling and frustrating to family members and others who care about the person. Often others see things before the person does. And in this stage the person is not seeing or believing what he or she is seeing and/or hearing. If a person doesn't see a problem, then he or she wouldn't see the need to change. People in this stage are also likely to react negatively even angrily to people who believe they have a problem.

Sometimes the stigma and shame associated with alcoholism as a moral failure keeps people from dealing with denial overcoming the barriers to change.

It is a myth that harshly confronting a person with the consequences of his or her behavior helps people break through denial. In most cases, it builds up the defense and resentment. Often people fear the shame and stigma associated with alcoholism or addiction. They fear rejection and confrontation and facing up to their guilt and low self-esteem. All of these things keep people from changing.

Family members can help by allowing the chemically dependent person experience the consequences of his or her drinking or drug behaviors. If family members give feedback, it should be when the person is sober or straight and it should be expressed in a caring rather than confrontational manner. Trying to talk with someone who is high or drunk, only leads to frustration for both the family member and the person abusing alcohol or drugs.

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